i'm moving to www.readme-exodus.blogspot.com

'...記住吧 每一個我給過你的笑容. 飛機起飛以後 我的笑容用不會在相同...'


- 張信哲 <霧中的機場>

Gratification. 感恩.

The love and support that I have been showered upon these days has opened my eyes and heart. Why does it take a departure, an absence to cause one to realise all the blessings that one has? Why does it take a loss for one to finally gain something even greater than that that has been taken away? My heart is bursting with gratitude, all i can muster is a simple Thank You. Yet a thank you seem to be an understatement. Is there a word bigger than thank you? A friend suggested,'action is louder than words'. Nicely said.

Yesterday evening, my neighbour ,affectionally known as Heng Jie (興姐)who is a sweet old lady came over to give an ang pao and to wish me a safe journey and all the best in my studies. I was so shocked by her kindness and repeatedly said, '你太客氣了aunty...
不需要啦...' '不要緊,我喜歡你, 你很乖啦...要好好讀書,照顧自己啊...' I was left dumｂfounded after she left.

Then came the card and ang pao from my dad's boss and partner. I am only highlighting these examples because people who are far and distant have taken the initiative to wish me well and blessed me.

I can't even thank the people whom are near and dear to me enough. Relatives, Friends (i.e. Bobby, Keat...) Old schoolmates,Unimates－Ｊｏ，　Ｍｉｏ，　Ｋａｔｈｙ　ａｎｄ　Ｊｕｎ．．．ｔｈｏｕｇｈ　Ｊｕｎ　ｙｏｕ　ａｌｓｏ　ｂｅｌｏｎｇ　ｔｈｅ　ｃａｔｅｇｏｒｙ　ｂｅｌｏｗ, Cousins...

My best buddies (girls ...and guy, hee... I love you!) ，Hann’ｓ family...

Ｈａｎｎ．．．ｗｈｏｍ　ｉ　ｍｉｓｓ　ｄｅａｒｌｙ．．．ｔｈａｎｋ　ｙｏｕ　ｆｏｒ　ｔｈｅ　ｍｅａｎｉｎｇｆｕｌ　ｓｅｎｄ　ｏｆｆ　ｇｉｆｔ　ａｎｄ　．．．　Ｉ　ｌｏｖｅ　ｙｏｕ　ａｎｄ　ｍｉｓｓ　ｙｏｕ　ｔｒｕｌｙ．

Daddy,Mummy and Koko....I love　ｇｕｙｓ　ｎｏ　ｍａｔｔｅｒ　ｗｈａｔ．　Ｉ　ｒｅａｌｌｙ　ｄｏｎｔ　ｗｉｓｈ　ｔｏ　ｌｅｔ　ｙｏｕ　ｄｏｗｎ　ｂｕｔ　ｉ　ｗｉｓｈ　ｙｏｕ’ｄ　ｇｉｖｅ　ｍｅ　ａ　ｃｈａｎｃｅ　ｔｏｏ．　Ｉ　ｌｏｖｅ　ｙｏｕ　ａｎｄ　ｉ　ｔｈａｎｋ　ｙｏｕ　ｓｏ　ｍｕｃｈ　ｆｏｒ　ｅｖｅｒｙｔｈｉｎｇ！

ａｎｄ　Ｌｏｒｄ．　Ｉ　ｄｅｓｅｒｖｅ　ｎｏｎｅ　ｏｆ　Ｙｏｕｒ　ｇｒａｃｅ　ａｎｄ　ｍｅｒｃｙ　ｙｅｔ　Ｙｏｕ　ａｒｅ　ｍｅｒｃｉｆｕｌ　ｔｏ　ｍｅ　ａｎｄ　ｍｙ　ｆａｍｉｌｙ．　Ｔｈａｎｋ　ｙｏｕ　ｔｈａｎｋ　ｙｏｕ　ｔｈａｎｋ　ｙｏｕ　Ｌｏｒｄ！


Ｏｎｅ　ｍｏｒｅ　ｄａｙ　ｌｅｆｔ．　Ａｌｌ　ｔｈｅ　ｌｏｖｅ　ａｎｄ　ｗｉｓｈｅｓ．　Ｉ　ａｍ　ｒｅａｄｙ　ｔｏ　ｃｌｏｓｅ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ　ｏｆ　ｍｙ　ｌｉｆｅ　ａｎｄ　ｍｏｖｅ　ｏｎ　ｔｏ　ｂｉｇｇｅｒ，　ｂｅｔｔｅｒ　ｔｈｉｎｇｓ．　

Ｉ　ａｍ　ｃｅｒｅｍｏｎｉｏｕｓｌｙ　ｃｌｏｓｉｎｇ　ｄｏｗｎ　ｔｈｉｓ　ｂｌｏｇ　ｔｏｏ　ａｎｄ　ｐｉｃｋｉｎｇ　ｕｐ　ｍｙ　ｄｉａｒｙ　ｗｒｉｔｉｎｇ　ｈａｂｉｔ．　

Ｔｈａｎｋ　ｙｏｕ　ａｎｄ　ｍｙ　ｔｈｏｕｇｈｔｓ　ａｎｄ　ｐｒａｙｅｒｓ　ｓｈａｌｌ　ｂｅ　ｗｉｔｈ　ｙｏｕ　ｔｏｏ．　

媽. 雖然你不是我真正的媽...但是我心裡一直很想這樣叫你.

其實說起來很瞎, 不過,我每次想放棄時,真的會想起你. 想到這位善良,和藹可親的媽媽...真的不該受打擊,為兒子操心. 我真的希望兒子對你好一點. 寧可愛我少一點,也要好好地孝順你.

見你最後一次面時,你看到我來了,趕緊抱我,說很想我. 過後你就像以往那樣,不停地端食物出來,叫我吃. 我平時會拒絕,那一次,卻乖乖地吃了.

我一面吃,一面向你和小姑訴說整個故事的詳情.

當我要離開時,我看見你眼睛泛紅,自己也跟著鼻酸. 於是我們三個人哭了.

我很想說,謝謝你和對不起. 要你好好照顧你的手和腳,不要操勞了...

Mum suddenly realises that i have less than a week left at home. I suddenly realise that too as I was washing up the dishes last night. I am 5 days away from breaking the mundancy that I have grown accustomed to. Like taking care of the laundry the first thing in the morning no matter what day of the week. Like drawing up the blinds and curtains and then keeping the plates, bowls and cups to where they belong. Then having my breakfast, preparing breakfast for dad if need arises. Then reading the papers, watch some tv as my typical day unfolds... Soon, I would adopt a new lifestyle, probably doing the same things but at a different pace and routine.

Are you sure you can handle it by yourself? Mum has been asking me over and over again. Honestly Ma, I am not hundred per cent sure that I can, but i am hundred and one per cent sure i will try my very best and i will take care good care of myself.

What? Hide under the covers and watch as the world sashays by with all its fun and beauty? Lie barenaked on the floor and gaze at the world through the tiny windows of my house? Throw my hands up and say I give up when the game hasnt even started? Risk losing the possibility of discovering myself and being my very own best friend? Worst still, risk losing the possibility of my loved ones discovering me and being my best friend?

Hah. You better wish harder. =)

二零零九年二月一日.

今天的心情較好. 謝謝朋友們的勸告與支持. 我會好好地把它們消化的.

其實...你們講的,我自己也有想過.只是. 突然有點累. 很低落.

所以...很想裸著身體,裸者心...躺在冰冷的地板上.

最近爸爸肚子常不舒服. 爸,我,心疼.

媽媽膝蓋偶爾也會痛. 媽,山,不要爬那麼多了.

你們常說不放心我這個問題女兒. 我,也不放心你們. 彼此彼此哦?

****

中國來的大表姊又來馬了.這一次還帶了比我大一歲的表外甥女來了.

活潑,愛講話的她,和我談了大半天. 大家是少女,話題還滿多的.

很久沒有講那麼多話了. 開心!

****

還是有點鬱悶.

看開,你們說. 哈. 好的. 看開...

往瓜拉雪蘭莪的路上.

農曆初一至今一直壓抑著的眼淚,悄悄地滑下來了.

你要檢點,你看我,都不想和你講話,沒有心情講.

爸說.

一個月後,一開始沒有感覺到的痛,終於浮現了.

當時的倔強,開始動搖,開始慢慢,慢慢地服從.

我忘了自己是甚麼時候變壞的.也忘了自己是甚麼時候變蠢的.

你啊...是給我最多問題的孩子...哥哥都沒有這樣.

可以變乖嗎? 可以嗎? 媽問我.

你們說,沒事的...講講而已. 沒事的...忍一忍.

可是愛家,愛爸媽的我,再也無法和他們像以往那樣談天,

獲得他們的肯定,尊重... 而不是失望的眼神...

你懂嗎? 你不懂.

過去的事,像紀錄片播放在我眼前. 看回去,哭的比笑的多.

我生氣. 但是我最生氣的是我自己.

我最大的缺點,是我容易相信人. 這使我很想躲起來.關閉自己.

排開這險惡的世界.

你說我stupid.

我認了.

那麼多人有那麼多的期望. 於是那麼多人有那麼多的失望.

我到底在和誰拼? 我覺得和自己拼是最累的.

我望著藏在璧橱里的獎杯...我懷念我的夢想.懷念那麥克風. 懷念那舞台.

懷念那掌聲. 那掌聲.

這場夢,該結束了. 我該醒了.

你們...

你...

我...

又多一個不能參加的聚會. 漸漸地他們也開始忘了我的樣子,忘了我的名字. 乾脆不用約我,因為知道...我是不會出席的. 他們的為甚麼...我也漸漸懶得回答. 不懂要給甚麼藉口,甚麼理由.

我走之前...一直很想唱一首歌. 一直以為會有個farewell dinner,每個人都到,大家開開心心地吃飯聊天. 哈哈. 不要誤會...不是埋怨,更不是暗示. 只是覺得好笑.

重點是,我開始恐慌. 開始明白這次的分離和以往的,分別在哪裡了.我等不到拜六,拜一見你了. 剛才在想,有些東西要拜一面對面跟你談...訝然發現,我們沒有了拜一見面的機會了.

我想念你. 真的.


(對不起大家....)

Where has Crystal disappeared to? You might ask.

No where, just been living tech-free for the past one week or more. If you ask me what is my occupation right now, i would confidently say:

a. a childless full time house wife
b. a jobless bum
c. a 200 pound overweight person can that consume 1000 calories in half an hour. GOsh...i really need to get hold of myself... =( I really think i have graduated from eating disorder to binge eating disorder... at least tat is how i strongly feel.
d. all of the above

I suddenly found a mission though. And I got to start packing. Really...

And I really need to finish all my novels cuz I dont think i'm bringing more than one over. Currently reading Douglas Kennedy's Pursuit of Happiness...which brings me from serious grown up books to Sweet Valley days..well, at least it is a grown up Sweet Valley. I suddenly find myself with too little time. Wat have i been doing the past whole 2 weeks???!